I went to work without a jacket my first week back from Montana. I laughed at everyone complaining about 67 degrees. Now I’m back in a sweater and it’s almost 70 degrees.
This is to say that the cold wilderness changes you. On my first day snowmobiling there was miscommunication on the start time. I thought it was a 9:30 roll call and I got ready to head to the breakfast buffet at 8:40. Heading to the door the hotel telephone rang. Who knew those still worked. The front desk was asking if I was okay. We had missed roll call. With five minutes to spare we had to get our gear on and run to line-up. This is not how I like to start an adventure.
Driving through the park entrance I was excited, happy, and immediately scared for my life. Throwing on my gear I had forgotten to put my thermals on. I had put on leggings and a sweatshirt to head to breakfast and would head back to put my layers on. I was driving into Yellowstone with just a single layer and my snowmobile suit. I panicked but I’d made my mistake for the day and I wasn’t snitching on myself again. I was a savage, what cold?
The first two hours I felt the cold, but it got less pleasant as time went on. By hour three I had the thought that I might not make it. Thankfully, at almost four hours we pulled over for lunch. I was so grateful to learn that the gift shop sold thermals. I got a pair and changed into them. They weren’t as good as the one I had at the hotel, it was a one piece that went on like a leotard with long sleeves and footies. I was happy for the warmth, but I had no idea what was ahead.
Wanting to speed up the process, I ordered a hot dog and chugged two coffees to warm me up. When I had changed into the thermals, my thighs were like ice cubes.
Two hours later, walking through a natural geyser area, the call of nature came. I left my group and headed for my snowmobile to drive down to the bathroom. I was informed I couldn’t take a snowmobile from the tour group. I would have to walk it downhill. This is not how I expected to end my life.
I make the walk downhill to learn that they are large open air restrooms. Perfectly clean, but there would be no warmth in this room.
I pull my snowmobile outfit off and something is snagging. My primal instincts kick in and it isn’t a time to ask questions. I kick off my boots to get to my thermals because they went on like pantyhose. The outfit still won’t come off and after ripping at everything on me I remember that there are suspenders attached to the suit and I forgot they were on me. That is how I found myself in an outhouse in Yellowstone wearing nothing but my underclothes with -20 degree wind blowing through. I wasn’t cold, the shame was keeping me warm. I thought back on all the films I watched of people running barefoot through the snow with barely anything on. I know how they felt, but I now also realize it was mostly for dramatic effect. The only two reasons you will ever end up naked and outside in Montana in the middle of winter is if someone is trying to murder you, or if you’re on a snowmobile tour and have to use the bathroom but forget to use the real bathroom before heading to your next stop.
I was in that bathroom for about ten minutes, but it felt like a few days. I congratulated myself on how I was sitting there in bare feet but didn’t feel the cold. I moved my feet around and didn’t feel anything, I thought I was invincible. Then I noticed red blotches appearing on my arms and legs. After ten minutes? It was time to leave.
I was grateful. In another timeline I might have had to walk out of that outhouse naked and Shannon would have had to drive me back to the gift shop. I actually brought shorts and a tank top to take a photo on the snowmobile. I had my indigenous moment, but I didn’t think to take a photo. I would never be naked again outdoors in Montana in the winter, but it’s okay.
I walk back to the tour group and we continue back to town. I say my goodbyes to the group and make my way back to the hotel room. Within five minutes of opening that door I’m in a hot shower. I stood there for an hour. The red spots were almost gone and after drying off I put my swimsuit on and head to the jacuzzi. Everyone is at the Super Bowl party, but I have enough energy to wrap a towel around me and grab a plate and a drink before heading to the room for the night.
Person at bar noticing me in a towel: That’s a different look.
Me: Not the weirdest look I’ve had today.
Shannon gives me a thumbs up and I throw her the peace sign before making my exit.
Which is to say that I found myself naked in an outdoor restroom in Yellowstone because I got the roll call time wrong. For the rest of my life, I will be able to feel every Ansel Adams photograph because I lived it.
It was with this newfound knowledge of my abilities that I returned home. Leaving paperwork and life behind for a week was great, but sooner or later you have to get out of the snow and get back to reality. Things aren’t that bad. I’m actually caught up on paperwork. Lieutenant Rooster doesn’t distrust my work, it was just a muppet trying to gaslight me that she did.
I was born in the 80’s. Go back to the early 2000’s and I didn’t understand the way verbiage can hurt people and the way it may come across. I wrongly use “they” not to mask identities, but because after an episode of “Nip/Tuck” I learned the hurtful habit of using “they” to describe dumpy chicks with a chip on their shoulder. I also use words like slither and molester to describe them being a psychic vampire. Yes, I could just write it “that dumb ugly bitch came back to try and drain me with her bullshit,” but when I’m being petty I have to paint a story that conveys just what it feels like to come across it. Being the largest apex predator in any room and also being a girl that doesn’t mince words, it always baffles me when I come across a creature in the woods that tries to test me not realizing the walking red flag they’ve approached. I have to understand , they didn’t realize, the warning signs didn’t go off in time, they finally figured it out and backed away slowly to their little hole.
My friend, Shannon, put it best in Yellowstone before she almost allowed me to soil myself, “it was never about putting their best foot forward, it was just about not having you there. They can dish it out, but they’ll never be able to take an ounce of it in return.” That’s really sad. Let’s put a mental pin in this to remember to never revisit. I’ll never forget the things that were said to me last year into my this year, but I get it. I’d probably hate me too.
Enjoy this Cyndi Lauper song. It’s about being happy with yourself so that you don’t waste your time hating on top shelf Tongan girls that had no idea they were a problem for your created narrative and horrible style.